I only have 9 months to connect with people here. I signed up in July and my membership here expires July 2020 and since I’m living below poverty, I cannot afford the $100 to sign up again for Brainfitlife, so I will do the best I can with the time I have left. Please do NOT send me marketing emails for supplements and other things as I cannot afford them. I have enough difficulty paying my electric bill every month, thankyouverymuch. Anyhoo, I have come to somewhat of a conclusion that life is getting pretty pointless. The PROs program I’m in twice a week, the DBT skills I am learning along with the Doctor Amen stuff (as well as other things) do help me, but the relief only lasts for a little while. These skills may help me get through a day or two or maybe even a week, but my mental illness symptoms always, faithfully return, devastating me. These solutions I have found are only TEMPORARY (as I stated above). They are limited and are like putting a band aid on an open, gushing wound that refuses to heal and has refused to heal for the entire 50 years of my life, thus far. I have tried many options and “fixes” and have found, ultimately, no relief. Lately, I am having more and more discouragement and less and less hope. I need a PERMANENT solution to my severe mental illness. However, I have found there is none. If this continues, I feel I have no choice but to embrace the ultimate “permanent solution”– one that will finally give me relief from my intense emotional pain and suffering– the chances are very, very high that in the near future (no one will know how, where, or when) I will be ending my life. I love myself too much to keep suffering through this unbearable pain. I don’t deserve or want this. I did not ask for this. God thrust it upon me by creating me with a sick, diseased brain which I had no control over. I don’t know how else to get relief. I don’t want to die, but if this is the only way to get “ultimate healing,” I will do so. I am worth the relief and the release from my pain. Thank you.
Better Together
Pretty Much Hopeless
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Thank you for your sincere post, and for reaching out. I am concerned about your well being and if you are having serious thoughts of harming yourself, I urge you to call 911, or take yourself to an emergency room. Additionally, there are crisis counselors available to talk 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255.
I hear you that you are feeling like nothing ‘sticks’, and you need so much to have relief from your many years of suffering. It also sounds like along the way you have found some of the pieces that are helping. Stringing those pieces together each day, as best we can, bit by bit, is how long-term shifts in our health happen. I recognize that it’s hard sometimes to see the possibilities of a different experience when we are suffering deeply, but you can borrow hope from us here if you are not feeling it for yourself some days. Do you have someone in your life you can talk to about how you are feeling? I know counseling can be expensive, but there are many low-fee resources available for support. Please let us know if we can help find some for you in your area.
Warmly,
Zoe
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Thank you, Zoe. I see my counselor, Phil, at the PROS program I go to. The PROS program is a day program for those who are severely mentally ill. I attend the program on Mondays and Thursdays. I see Phil for 45 minutes on Thursdays. However, he is not enough. I have 2 other friends in my life and they are not meeting my mental and emotional needs because they 1- cannot or 2- will not. I have no one living with me at home, such as a loving, supportive husband. There is literally NO ONE in my life who loves me. This is the most painful truth of all– to be suffering as incredibly as I am and having no one who loves me to support me and help me through this long and nightmarish process. I have borderline personality disorder, major depressive disorder, PTSD, panic attacks (I guess this is panic disorder), social phobia, a learning disability (ADD, inattentive type) and I am an adult child of an alcoholic. My parents are deceased, my only older brother is bipolar and is a sociopath, so I stay away from him unless it’s absolutely necessary. I have no social supports, no money and no vehicle. The home I am living in is now in foreclosure and I went to court about this on Monday. I may be about to lose my food stamps, cash assistance and Medicaid coverage due to a neglectful social services worker, so I will no longer be able to go to my PROS program for the little support I get there. I have many, many barriers. Having no one who loves me, again, hurts most of all.
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Here is my current philosophy on my life: I survived yesterday and I will make it through today, but I don’t know if I WANT to LIVE through tomorrow. I’m thinking of having a t-shirt made of this, as a matter of fact. So sad…
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I’m sorry you are feeling this way. Sounds like you’ve got a lot of stress to deal with.
The one thought that came to my mind is service. I know you deal with social anxiety and such. But if you could reach out and serve someone every day. Maybe via a text, letter, compliment. Maybe a neighbor is in need of some help or even needs a friend.
My mother and brother took their lives. My mom when I was 4 and my brother when I was 18. It is a hard and devastating thing to deal with. So please get help.
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Zoe, I will check my email tomorrow for your reply. Thanks for showing you care. Thankfully, I’m getting re-certified for my social services on Friday. Vitalistagirl, I’m so, so, sorry to hear about your mother and brother. I can’t imaging the devastating shock and pain this must have caused you. Thing is, if I take my life, my advantage is that I have “no strings attached”– no one loves me and I have no one significant in my life anymore, so no one would really suffer. There are other benefits to my passing as well: I won’t have to worry about having to move to a strange, new area and sell my home. I won’t have to deal with painful people. I won’t have to see my dog get put to sleep. I would no longer struggle financially, nor will I have any more bills to pay. I’m sure SOME people would feel bad, but I really don’t care about that. After all, If they (former friends and family, etc.) cared about me so much, they had my entire life to show it– and they rarely did. So hey, my self euthanasia would be THEIR loss, NOT mine. I will be completely free of pain. This will GAURANTEE that I will never be able to hurt anyone and no one will ever be able to hurt me– ever again. 🙂 Thinking of never having to deal with any of this painful, unpleasant s*hit ever again gives me great comfort and peace. At the moment right now, I feel FINE, by the way. This may or may NOT happen in the future, BUT FOR NOW, I’M FINE.
Hey Jen, I’m sorry you feel this way. I do sometimes and have a lot in he past. I have more hope now but not sure how to explain why I do. I’m not sure where your living but is there anyone in the building or on the street that could use a “hello” and a smile from a nice person like you everyday? if you’re getting your meals at a “soup kitchen” or something, can you just smile at everyone and offer to help do a little something (volunteer) – before long, I’m sure you will have some kind of affirmation – even if it is just a smile in return. I have been rejected by mom, sister, husband, and feel like daughter too most times – and not because i’ve done anything wrong.. i might have done too much, i really don’t know why but they just don’t like me and love to pick on me, put me down and make me feel worthless even to my kid and other family members… thats why i feel like getting away, but not till daughter gets out of school. then i’ll go find me, the one that isn’t the punching bag. defining me is hard. makes me feel sad too. I’ve felt on and off dieing since I was a kid, I’m in my 50’s – the isolation we have imposed on ourselves makes it so much worse, we think we’re protecting ourselves from rejection. we have to break that isolation and learn new tools for fighting rejection, maybe Zoe can help with suggestions for these. I started going to the ymca, a small one, just to exercise and feel comfortable around people. I’m better around strangers, no judgment because they really don’t have any info to do it. I missed a whole week tho, I’ll go tomorrow, if you go somewhere too – walk your dog to a dog park, and just smile at others. Good luck, I’ll be thinking about you. I don’t want you to take your life, I want you to feel your life has value here on earth.
Hey Jen, I’m sorry you feel this way… I don’t want you to take your life, I want you to feel your life has value here on earth.
Thanks for your encouragement. I’m hanging in there… you hang on, too!
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Hey Jennifoo, I know you say no one loves you. That isn’t true, though I don’t know you I love you. I understand the pain you feel, the beauty is inside you. Whether you believe in Jesus Christ or not He loves you. That’s why He died for us all.
I think she means for real – love, someone to be there, actually there not as in we are all children of God thing. I understand and feel same most times, seriously alone. It would be so nice if someone you cared about just came in every morning and said – hey get out of bed so I can hug you… and each day you might feel like at least someone values your living… truth is we need to find a way to believe that our life here on earth has value, and understand that some people learned to find that value only in how others treat us, others value us and if they don’t or we don’t see it – then we can’t either. I’ve been trying for a very long time to figure out how to change this. I can tell myself and some others that I am worthy, but without anyone employing/enjoying/using my talents/attributes AND appreciating me… it’s hard to continue to believe it
Hey Jennifoo, I know you say no one loves you. That isn’t true, though I don’t know you I love you. I understand the pain you feel, the beauty is inside you. Whether you believe in Jesus Christ or not He loves you. That’s why He died for us all.
Thanks, but I don’t believe that gawd loves me. I did once. I served him for over 30 years just to come to the realization that he created me with my sick brain, inserting it into my skull as he knit me together in my mother’s womb– and she, my father and my brother are all mentally ill, too. I am a mentally ill person who was raised by mentally ill people– and gawd did nothing to prevent it or its horrible consequences. Needless to say, gawd and I are not on speaking terms right now. I am very angry with him– and he told me this is okay. I need the anger to help me heal– it’s not good to bury feelings, I am learning. I have a lot of healing to do.
Also, if the blood of Christ was as powerful as we are led to believe it is, there would be no more sin, suffering or disease in this world… and from what I see every day in the news, in the papers and from people’s experiences, there is PLENTY of pain and suffering to go around for everyone…
oh… I have a different take on God & Jesus… but first, please think about what I tell you just so maybe you can let go of the anger, its definitely not good for your brain. I’m not trying to convert you – just cancel anger & blame. I grew up Methodist and became a Sunday school teacher when I was 18, I loved my church but had already experienced a lot of bad things – Dad sick, very sick then died, 2 different rapes – one very bad, controlling mean mother…. all by 18 – so I thought it weird they wanted me for a Sunday School teacher… but here goes, with what I learned by teaching the little ones – God & Jesus aren’t answering our prayers with miracles or even sending a solution. The parable of Adam and Eve, I got from it that humans chose free will – outside of God’s garden, outside of his control. so we are here on this earth where there is the constant struggle of goods and evils… humans are in control here along with the forces of nature of this earth – God/Jesus lessons only serve to teach humans how to act better to help each other and make better lives for us. Not to say some miracles don’t happen, I have experienced some, BUT they were not expected, and only one had I been praying for. Ok and we are not created perfectly, neither were Adam and Eve or they would have appreciated house rules and we’d be in a perfect garden right now 🙂 There is a popular verse about sins of the father… sometimes I wonder if in that story there is a warning about what we do to our farming/crops and animals, to grow more, faster and the greed of men – then we eat this food thats been genetically modified – are our genes then defected? maybe or maybe those we give birth to, genes affected? All I do know is my daughter was born with genetic issues due to her birth mother using drugs, and now these genetic defects have a chance of going to anyone she births…. so, I feel God gave us a chance, we chose free will, he put us down here and then gave us a manual… Humans are annoyingly stupid and to blame here. I think praying for guidance and strength is effective in that if you do believe and aren’t angry with God or Jesus, your mind just be open to opportunities or moments of beauty that may appear before you at any given moment. so, we also have Jesus, my understanding – an incredible man, created with specific purpose – to educate man again, like a final chance and warning – whether he was God or not doesn’t really matter much, to think that a man 2000 yrs ago felt so much love for each and every human being he walked thousands of miles and received abuse of unknown amounts to tell people to be nice and support each other and we can save the earth… then to be attacked, and killed the way he was – still asking for us to love one another, asking God to forgive …ugh makes me want to cry, he was working for all of us, even you and me because he knew the trickle down effect, you know? his words then, if had been appreciated and practiced, we would be different people, living in a different world, only one can imagine. He did say in last breaths, according to story, they don’t know what they’re doing – NOW this is where I see the science of humans too! he saw in humans certain uncontrollable faults/defects, and that we didn’t even realize the harm and the evil being done. Is it human nature and therefore in our genes? Not a single human on this planet is perfect, some are pretty close, yes, but maybe their design was easy because their souls weren’t as strong as ours or maybe their ancestors made better living choices re: food, exercise, mindfulness, exposure to healthy environs,.. and ours not so much. so please for your own brain health try to find a way to remove the anger… I could go on but I think I’ve hit a limit – LOL Have a good Thanksgiving – an odd word, if you think about it – you say Thanks when receiving – so must be that you receive something and say Thanks simultaneously with giving something too! We’ve been told its to be giving Thanks – but it isn’t call Givingthanks Day, is it?? a lil brain teaser
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