Dr Amen says, “find the healthiest person you can stand and spend as much time with them as possible.” I agree– but who ARE these “healthy people?” Where can I find them? What do they look like? Where do they “hang out?” Yes, I know this sounds a little sarcastic, but I don’t mean to be. Being a severely mentally ill person who was never taught what “healthy” looks, feels, behaves or sounds like means I don’t know how to find them. They are certainly NOT in my day program I go to for the mentally ill– people there are all in varying degrees of mental sickness, so I don’t think I’ll find them there. I don’t want to go to church to find them because the Church (and gawd) has caused me a lot of damage. I go to a local bar now and then to watch the Buffalo Bills play, but I don’t want to connect with anyone at a bar– too much of a risk to accidentally befriend someone who struggles with abuse and chemical addictions. Coffee shops are full of people who meet with friends; I have no friends– but I want them– DESPARATELY. Thus– where DO these “healthy” people hang out? How will I recognize them without accidentally becoming friends with someone who will just hurt me again? Thanks in advance…
Better Together
“Healthy” People- WHO are they? WHERE are they?
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Thanks for your post, and for the important question. “Healthy” can mean all kinds of things, but I think of healthy people as those who try to take care of themselves as best they can, seek out relationships with individuals and their community that are full of reciprocal care and kindness, and are contributing to the world in a unique way that only they can do.
Finding healthy relationships and creating community takes time, consistency, and intention, but there are fortunately some great resources available to many communities. Meetup.com is a website that offers an online community bulletin board of sorts for many different groups with more topics than you can imagine like book groups, language learning, art gatherings, hiking/walking groups, cooking clubs, etc. Check it out to see if you can find some connections you might want to explore in your city. Other options are taking a class you might enjoy, playing on a community sports team, or volunteering for an organization you believe in where you can meet like-minded people.
Hopefully, some of these ideas can work for you. Let us know how it is going for you.
Best!
Zoe
Thanks so much for your valuable insight, Zoe! I was with Meetup.com for a while, but this was when I worked and had a car. I used to belong to a group that played board games that met about 20 minutes from my house. Meetup.com involves a membership fee. I even tried to CREATE a Meetup group regarding a fan group for a movie franchise I have loved for many years, but the cost to do so was over $60! Living below poverty as I am, I cannot do this. I feel I should not have to pay money to meet people. Because I cannot afford a vehicle, whatever “social club” I join has to be within walking distance and it has to cost $5 and below. Because I struggle with panic attacks, I cannot take public transportation to certain areas– especially NOT downtown Buffalo. It is very frustrating to have these types of barriers when you are seeking so hard to help yourself and love your brain by connecting with others, but I will keep trying. Perhaps I can find local groups to get together with at freecycle.org. Posting an ad there, should I choose to do so, only costs $5.
I try to go to a journaling group that meets at my local library that meets once a month. I used to belong to a mental health support group that meets every Wednesday evening, but soon the weather here will get bad and I don’t feel like walking through feet of snow and on icy sidewalks. It really blows not having a car or friends to take me anywhere! I’m trying to work on it, though. When the weather gets bad next month (November), I sent $14 to Ken-Ton Community Education for a class that meets in a local former Middle School called the Ken-Ton Hallwalkers Club “Fall Edition”. They meet there several times a week from September-January and walk around the second floor of the school for exercise to get out of the bad weather. The “Winter Edition” starts in January and is only $11. I’m hoping I’ll have the energy and wherewithal (I’m often very, very tired because I don’t sleep well) to walk to the school and do this class, as I know aerobic exercise is as effective for the brain as taking an anti-depressant!
My counselor, Phil, says he sees I am trying SO HARD to help myself by being proactive in my self-care. I am currently not taking ANY PSYCHE MEDS (I haven’t since March) and he says I’m doing remarkably well for someone as severely mentally ill as I am. But sometimes, the suffering– the loneliness, the depression– is SO BAD. I am trying SO HARD to NOT live a life in any kind of “altered state” brought on by things like psyche meds, drug/alcohol addictions– even negative thoughts, coffee, sugar and TV– all of which involve dopamine addiction, leading to living in an “altered state” which damages your brain! See– I’m really getting to know my Dr. Amen “stuff!” I’m trying so hard and will continue to try. As I like to say: “I CAN and I WILL!” 🙂
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Yes, to start a meetup there is a monthly fee but I belong to several meetup groups that don’t cost me anything to be a member/participant so that’s more of what I meant in my suggestion. 🙂
Another option if you have it there is using the free Next Door app or website to connect with folks right in your neighborhood or surrounding areas. That way it will be sure to be local, and it seems people are always wanting to do things together like book groups, walks, potlucks, etc.
Good luck!
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I am thinking strongly about staying away from people in the day program for mentally ill people like myself that I go to twice a week. I’ll still go to my classes, speak to my counselor and be friendly and encouraging with people there, but I don’t feel safe around others there. They have varying degrees of damage mentally and I can’t know who is safe until I make friends with someone there only to find out that they are really screwed up. I have had friendships with mentally ill people in the past– 5 people, including a nasty cousin– and they all turned out to be pretty sick and I had to break off my relationships with them. Frankly, I trust NO ONE.
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