Hello
Almost seven months ago I met the love of my life. I was a different person when we first met. I was blinded by my mother’s perfectionism and negative thoughts, I was blinded by my dads drug abuse and his needing to become my best friend which eventually led me to drug abuse. I hated my mother she was always at work and when we did communicate it was a huge fight. My parents are very sexually open too. So I grew up doing things and saying things sexually that I now see as being wrong. I didn’t think it was wrong to hook up with people as long as you didn’t have sex with them. So you could imagine what path I went down. I listened to my friends who were no better but they were followers so they made it there goal to convince me why something would be right or wrong so I eventually stopped listening to my thoughts and starting worrying and listening to everyone else’s. Anyway fast forward to meeting My love. He had been through twelve times worse then me he lost a dear friend basically a brother got sent to the woods for 69!days then to another program and he experienced things so bad that he now has PTSD. I was worried when we first started talking because I had already just gotton over and abusive drug relationship and didn’t want a repeat. Plus I had been dating so many guys who were just problematic it was like I was searing for a male because I didn’t have a good father figure and I was trying to make there problems go away trying to get them to become perfect. But what is different with my boyfriend now is he sees past the bullshit pretend life I was living and told me how things I did and said were not normal. But he showed me not told me what to change. One time he even made me right down my habits that I’m trying to change on sticky notes and he put them all over my room and mirror mind you this kid is 18 and I’m almost 21 he also is the only younger person I have ever dated. He showed me how my dads actions were weird by taking me to a friends house where his dad was the same way and I felt uncomfortable but then I understood. So anyway he always asked me about my past and what I did and who I did it with but how can one possibly remember things that I have forced myself to forget. He would ask me questions one day and then weeks later I would be like damn I did this and I told him I didn’t. Anyway he told me that if I lie to him how can he trust me. He told me to make sure I tell him everything. So now it has been me telling him these big things that I did sexually and he gets hurt every time I tell him. And the last time I told him something new he was like I basically can’t take anymore and I promised there was nothing else. But I just remembered somethings one which is stupid I kissed a guy when I was blackout drunk and we are both really good friends with him but he asked me before and I told him I didn’t hook up with him. I guess what I am asking is, should I tell him these things as they come to my head or should I just let them go and move on because the person who I am now is different then the person the old me was. And I have so much guilt from not saying anything and I just want to be happy and live a happy life with him