I came to a realization the other day, one that was very sad. For over 40 years of my life, humanity has been more hurtful than helpful to me. Very few people have been kind and compassionate. Most have been abusive and neglectful, mistreating, rejecting and abandoning me– starting with my own family of origin. After many years of trying to reach out to find those who love and accept me as I am, I am going to stay away from people. I have been hurt so many times that I trust no one. To sum it up: PEOPLE ARE BAD FOR MY BRAIN. And I love my brain and want to take care of it. Thing is, I’m horribly, painfully lonely. What I’m going to have to do is to learn to dislike people. That way, I will no longer be lonely. After all, you don’t miss what you don’t like, right? I have to do this because I’m so lonely and starved for affection that I am afraid that I will end my life because of my loneliness. The only way to protect myself is to stay away from people. That way, I will hurt no one and no one will hurt me– ever again. If I somehow learn to dislike or even hate people (I’ll just stick to animals, though I doubt I’ll ever be able to afford a dog again), then my loneliness will probably go away. I already am disgusted by people: by their neglect, abuse and mistreatment of others: “man’s inhumanity to man,” etc. So, I’m halfway there. I don’t expect anyone here to understand this decision and I know you will all encourage me to “try, try again,” but I’m done. Unless I get some “major revelation” or something, I no longer feel that my fellow human beings are healthy for me OR my brain. I’m sure it will take me a while to stay away from others and I will spend a considerable amount of time mourning the loss of human relationships. It’s going to be very, very difficult for me and I’m hoping that somehow I’ll survive this major death in my life, but I think it’s for the best. I don’t really want to do this, but I don’t see any other choice. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want anyone hurting me ever again. Thank you for reading this. I know none of you will offer me support about this decision. That’s okay. I guess I’ll have to let THAT go, too. I doubt I’ll be looking at any replies to this thread. Thanks anyway. I guess I don’t know what I want to hear anymore. I’m so tired…
Better Together
A sad realization- People are bad for my brain
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I hear you and can imagine that your disappointment and grief over having had so many damaging relationships must be immense. This experience is especially hard when it starts with our family of origin (FOO) and is not something we ‘choose’ for ourselves. This initial ‘imprint’ from our family becomes a strong part of our core understanding and expectation of the way the world works because as a child, we don’t know anything else except what we have. This tends to become our perspective on relationships outside our family as well and teaches us what to expect from others.
Even when extremely harmful, neglectful, or abusive, this initial ‘modeling’ of relationships and treatment towards us that we see in our FOO is what grows to be familiar to us. We tend to subconsciously seek out more relationships that are like that original system because they feel ‘normal’ on a deep level. Although it can feel very awkward and unfamiliar, if we can become more conscious of this pattern, we can begin to intentionally choose differently.
In order for this way of seeking out and experiencing relationships to really become integrated, I believe we have to do two things simultaneously: 1) witness our grief over the needs that were not met in our family (through therapy, writing, expression, etc.), and 2) remember that we now have control over who we surround ourselves with and who we exclude. This is in some ways our child-self being allowed to feel, while our adult-brain remembers that we are no longer in that original space and there is another (more empowered) way to move forward. I realize this is not simple, but I hope this has some meaning for you that’s helpful.
Best to you-Zoe
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Jennifer, I like that you shared your situation, thoughts and plans. You’re right in that I do hope you change your mind. I hope that no matter your decision you find peace.
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