Do you have articles on co-dependency, also articles on victim bullying?
Better Together
Co-Dependency / victim bullying
Updated on September 21, 2018 in
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Thank you Coach Zoe, the articles did help, but was wondering about a teen bullied by a teacher (verbally), becomes an adult who responds to imagined threats to their position in the family by verbal bullying other members. My counsel called the behavior or rather the person a “victim bully” and said I needed to be careful not to become bitter and a “victim bully” as well. I’m trying to get more info on how to avoid that result. The Co-dependency issue was concern over a relationship between a daughter and boyfriend in which they both are defining themselves by what the other thinks rather than knowing who they are and what they enjoy. Is that a form of co-dependency, when you only live for the other person with no boundaries of time and attention and let the other person continually pick what to do and not let your ideas be known?
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Co-dependency: Yes, depending on your daughter’s age that can certainly be one aspect of co-dependency. However, fortunately/unfortunately we cannot manage other people’s relationships, but do our best to model what we want for ourselves and others. What you can do for an individual is to remind her/him of what you love of about them as an individual, as a way of a gentle reminder. 🙂
Victim Bullying: Awareness is certainly the first step towards changing our behavior. In awareness, we may be able to identify what our actual need is in that situation and move from that space instead of attacking another. For instance, if you find yourself inclined to verbally attack another person, try to identify the feeling and thought that preceded that wish to attack. In bullying behavior, it is typically feeling threatened, fearful, without power, alone, etc. Identifying what your trigger(s) is/are, and then working on providing the actual need to yourself can help to minimize trying to get the need met in inappropriate ways (bullying). For instance, if you are feeling fearful, how can you work on increasing your sense of safety in the world? Or if you are feeling powerless, how might you increase your sense of contribution (a great avenue for power) in your family/community? How do you see yourself becoming a “victim bully”?
I guess it would be a bitter retaliation on my part toward my spouse. He prefers that I either agree with him or just trust him with all decisions. The problem is that many times his view is limited when he makes a decision, but is not always open to additional facts. Also he is very content to be alone after his day farming and visiting with other farmers. There is rarely interaction time. Your suggestions to find the trigger points is good. I think my main one is living life alone & perhaps not believing I’m valued by him. (Thankfully, I have no problem knowing God greatly loves me just as He loves all of us individually, so my worth is not threatened.) I have a busy grown family around but not enough interaction time available. There are different activity groups to join, perhaps I will have to join some. I would rather encourage interaction between us by being home than to create more times that we are separated. In a week’s time we probably talk a total of 1-1.5 hours, which includes time telling me which field he is going to be working.& when he will need meals & where he is going or what the news of the community is.
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It sounds like you have some great ideas for socializing more for yourself, which I think will truly benefit you and your relationship with your husband. When we do activities on our own we bring new energy/curiosity/interest to our primary relationship, so while it might seem like you are spending more time apart, that time benefits your relationship in the long-run!
In addition, you might tell your husband that you would like to spend more time together doing something enjoyable/fun/new: taking a class together, going on a regular walk, etc. See what he’s interested in doing, and if he doesn’t have any answers right now, do your own thing. It might inspire him to try something new for himself too!
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