Hi there . I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 1.5 yrs. We are both in our late 20s. I’m giving you a detailed rundown of our relationship before I pose the question…
We both have endured depression off and on for a decade or more. A big difference in our attempts at treatment have been in a way because of cards dealt to us with family. He is essentially broke, which now being an adult can be seen as his fault, but his mother raised him with no college fund or much help (he has a sister and 4 half brothers older than him). I was raised in a upper middle class family and given a hefty amount of money for college that I still have savings from. My sister and I were babied and spoiled in many ways growing up.
My bf has been to a holistic rehab before thanks to his mom’s insurance paying for it. This was for depression and slight partying. I on the other hand have partied a lot (binge drinking and other substance use 18-25) and have been to a couple therapists/psychiatrists off and on 2010-2015. Since a psychiatrist 2 years ago suggested that I try an outdoor rehab program (I got sober on my own though), they still believe that’s what I need even though I don’t have substance abuse anymore, just depression. I think it’s too much money and not the right approach for my recovery.
Anywho back to my boyfriend and I. We met at an art center last year. We were constantly laughing together and having fun for the first 4 months. I stayed over with him a couple of times a week. I became more serious and sad though after about 4 months time (not directly related to him, mostly indecision of adult path and life stresses). I saw a therapist during that time but felt that the money was too much compared to the benefit (didn’t exactly click with the therapist always and she was pushing SSRIs which I had tried in the past and not liked and also not sure of their effectiveness vs harm in unintended and non readily identified or researched ways). We had a healthy physical relationship except once when I accidentally cheated about 4 months in. He forgave me and eventually our sex life became okay again, but then about a year into the relationship, I had about zero drive for sex and much preferred light physical touch, kisses, hugs, snuggles, etc. He is very concerned with that.
This summer we essentially lived together. He was unemployed and working his rent by helping at a small nonprofit. I work with kids and didnt have to work it the summer so I helped in the garden at the nonprofit with him. By the end of the summer, we had many screaming fits at each other… were the most unhappy we had been and realizing we rubbed each other the wrong way often.
He is nearly OCD about certain things: procedure wise, my lack of “enough” communication, lack of willingness to grow he says. Fyi his other brothers are pretty controlling in their relationships, and the mom has had 11 failed marriages and is very stubborn and decisive herself.
Same goes for my family: stubborn, controlling at times. My dad has some anger issues and I still consider my parents helicopter parents (I have lived at home off and on since graduating college). I am generously given money often from my dad. My mom is too, she mostly doesn’t work anymore. I don’t have great a “friend” type relationship with my parents and we all don’t open up much or that easily with each other. Like when a psychiatrist i saw around age 23 or 24 -whom my uncle referred me to and had seen- told me about my dad’s mom committing suicide when my dad and uncle were young. My dad and mom had never mentioned this. Anywho back to boyfriend relationship, I am also particular and critical about certain things too.
In september, I moved back home to move out of a semi bad neighborhood and separate because of scabies we both got in summer which wasn’t cured, and to be closer my part time job. he moved in with a friend 35 mins away. He was very depressed with low self worth bc he couldn’t financially support himself. (I helped him financially here and there in the first year of dating) But this fall me and a friend of his financially helped him until he decided to look for a job again.
He went to a free therapist for a month or month and a half based on an urge from his mom and got prescribed Prozac this fall. He took it for about 1.5 months and is off it now. I discovered biofeedback and neurofeedback about a month and a half ago and started using this app BFL about a month ago and started taking 5htp and putting saffron in my food a couple of weeks ago.
We still get irritated with each other and now spend less quality time together because of his new work schedule, differing hobbies and 30 min distance from each other.
He has a short temper at times and I am easily prone to getting emotional, especially when he critiques my personality. I am more quiet and reserved (wanting to stay home more often than doing social things). He wants to live life to the fullest when possible, although he hinders him from saving up money like he needs to do imo for his future. We are both in our first serious relationship. We both aren’t into the idea of marriage in general, but would love a very long term relationship if it works out. He may want kids, I’m not so sure.
We love each other’s humor, brains, creativity, and are physically attracted to each other (although him more than me now for sex).
I’m worried that the nagging each other back and forth is unhealthy and leading me to more depression and questioning our relationship. We both know we’ve been a bit shaky although we love each other. He states love as passionately wants to see me happy. He thinks I need more self awareness, confidence, motivation to change, and to be more considerate of others when in other people’s domains. I wish he was less quick to anger and had more healthy habits in his food and lifestyle (tv watching and cigarettes).
How should I approach our fighting and nagging in the moment ? Are there ways to be less emotional and more rational , like he says he wants of me which I think will be good to know too. Also how can we both improve when looking back on a fight so that we both can be better for each other? I feel like mainly we are both unhappy with ourselves and it’s reflecting in our relationship pretty big.
Thank you
