I’ve never dealt well with heartache in general, but this recent relationship ending has thrown me into a tailspin that I have questioned whether I’ll ever be able to recover from. Today is my first day of any positivity. After weeks of the ‘divorce diet’, I ate a dinner tonight that probably gave me as many calories as I’ve consumed in the last 5 days. I am clinging to this positive moment like my life depends on it, because I think it does. I don’t know if this is the beginning of it getting better, or if it’s just part of the road and tomorrow will hurt again but I’m trying to live it fully, though part of me, in an admittedly damaging way, actually resists the relief of feeling okay. Looking to a bright, content future – I can still have one – right?
Better Together
Heartbreak
Oh yes I have been dealing with heartbreak too. It’s a very up and down thing -some days better than others. Yesterday I even broke down getting my blood drawn. I take care of myself and I know it will end. I have an appointment with a therapist that I am looking forward to. Also I am moving and changing my circumstances. I take my supplements and eat well. I use Restful Sleep at night. I took a lot of risk getting into this relationship and don’t plan to do that again. Try setting some goals for the future and getting the help you may need.
I also like another website: actualized.org which inspires me to live a more meaningful life. Yes, yes, you can have a better life. I was hoping the pain would just go away but it takes time. Reach out to friends even though you may feel you are a PIA.
It is important to surround ourselves with positive people. I didn’t realize what taking on a person not mentally and physically healthy could do to me. Not my tribe.
Thank you for the response – in fact, this guy is a super positive, optimistic, carefree man, and he really brought that to my life. It is a big part of what I feel like I’m missing now that he’s gone. I’m so sorry you’re going through this too, and unfortunately agree that the only thing that really will change it is time. It wasn’t my choice, and I still want him back, but don’t believe that’s in the cards. My therapist told me to tell myself, when I want him to come home, “This or something better”, leaving the door open for something else, as long as it (he) is an improvement over the one that walked away. I wonder if that would offer you some peace, too…
Even though I am not in the same situation with a positive healthy man, there are always things to miss and memories that are painful because they brought joy. And there was a dream, no matter how unrealistic. I am concentrating on self-development. I am sorry for you loss. We will hang in there and find a lot of joy in life in our future. It helps to have this program and when it was really bad I did the hypnosis and meditation. Have you done the one of cutting up painful thoughts yet? I need to do it again.
Thank you both for sharing. I have been divorced for nearly a year from my husband of 27 years. Not my idea either. I have endured the heartache and grown up emotionally. I have finally come to the point that I now take ownership of my own issues and for the most part stopped blaming him for EVERYTHING:) Even if he is alcoholic, defiant and ADD, I still have responsibility for 50% of the relationship. I alone am wholly responsible for my 100% of what I put into and took from our marriage. That step alone has made the biggest difference for me. I have had an interest in the brain for a long time. Studying the brain and now taking Dr. Amen’s Brain Mastery course is helping to clarify and understand my own behaviors more thoroughly through this very difficult process. It is amazing how much the heartache has to do with brain function.
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Thanks for sharing. At one time or another most of us have been through heartbreak. That is the time to reach out to others and not isolate. If the grief lasts, many of my patients benefit from small doses of oxytocin, the bonding hormone.
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Years ago I was the source of heartbreak a few times. I never, ever want to do that to any girl again – ever! Fortunately (or unfortunately – depending how you look at it) I have absolutely no desire to date… besides, it’s for the greater good… even though at times it feels like I’m rowing the boat of life with one oar. I’m really sorry to read about the experiences of loss.
Hey DeWalt, Thank you for your honesty and transparency! Most of us really just don’t realize the damage we may be inflicting on others or to ourselves with some of the beliefs and behaviors we bring into a relationship. I don’t believe anyone of us really wants to hurt another person. John Gray has some wonderful insights, free videos and relates our brain function with our relationships. Also the book How we Love is really impactful in understanding the love styles we bring with us. Life is a journey, I am glad you are here on this journey with us. Life Matters, if not Now; When?
Coach
Perhaps you want to take some time to grow and better your health before choosing a new partner, which sounds thoughtful and healthy. But we learn most about ourselves in dynamic with others, so you might consider pursuing a social group in which you can practice engaging with others in a new way until you feel ready to do that in an intimate relationship. We cannot change into our optimal selves in isolation, as we need others to give us feedback about how we are both wonderful and where we have work yet to do. The trick is to find a supportive community in which we are both open to, and able to, do that work.
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It seems that for a period post-break, there is a physical withdrawal that presents itself as a mental-emotional one. Sure there is emotion as the mind tries to work out all that went wrong, what happened and how to stop the pain. Pain doesn’t feel very good but learning to sit with it without acting on it, can help. Something that really helps is mindfulness meditation or try the meditation room here as it has similar focus. Just focus on breathing and observing what comes up without judgment. Post-break, we often feel bad enough with the loss of the relationship but then we add more pain to pain by grueling ourselves over what we went wrong, who is to blame and many other normal parts of our thought processes. Know, though, that it is a process and that process has a beginning and an end. Don’t despair if your process goes differently or takes longer than others. Trust that you will see yourself through this very difficult time. Take extra good care of you. Focus on the loving things you can control instead of what you cannot control (like your soon to be or former partner). The more you engage in blame and pain, the longer the process will take. Sometimes withdrawing from that partner emotional and mentally is really needed, when ready, focus on the positives, the life lessons or the opportunities the relationship brought you that you might never have learned. Rely on family and friends. Stay active in a positive way and at the same time, allow yourself to feel however you feel and know that you will be okay. This is tough work but you can do it. 🙂
Yes ! I am using mindfulness meditation in the form that Shinzen Young teaches. Yes there is pain, but instead of turning away I observe it. It is helping me immensely. It is almost as though the painful experience has allowed me to search for a deeper meaning to my life. I have moved on and I do not have any contact with the individual who was so abusive, physically and mentally. I do not blame myself for having been taken in by such a person. I believe the ability to observe the pain has prevented me from having a longer recovery and has allowed me to remain healthy physically. Constantly running from the pain has a very bad effect: I wish I could convey this to others who are running from it. Emotional pain lessens all the time and is gone a good percentage of the time. I look back as little as possible and focus on my goals and the tasks I have to do today. I appreciate your very positive viewpoint.
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