Dr. Amen, I love my 97 1/2 year old Mother dearly. She lives a couple miles away in her own apartment in a retirement community. I organize her meds and supplements for 3 weeks at a time and someone comes in once a day to put them out for her (we keep them locked up). At times she forgets she took them and insists they weren’t there but yesterday, after a full day with her at doctor appointments, she wanted me to give her another AEREDs for her failing eyesight due to MD. She insisted there wasn’t an AEREDs in her med box that morning. I had to set 2 boundaries: 1) I did not go back to her place to give her another med because I had to take care of myself and had important things to do in that regard and 2) In case she was wrong and really did take an AEREDs in the morning, I did not want to give her a 3rd AERED and overdose her on the vitamins. I have two needs here: 1) how do I let go of the frustration and some guilt (because she was very upset with me and thinks it’s a matter of me not believing her) and I overate last night and had sugar 2) how can I help my Mom to deal with these things? She’s terrified of becoming blind and seems to think AEREDs are the entire answer for her. She get them faithfully twice a day. Apologies for the long post.
Better Together
My Mother’s Dementia and My Healthy Response to it
Sounds like you are doing a lot to care for your mother, and I hope that you have a good support system in place for yourself as well as for her. Caring for a loved one can be overwhelming at times, and certainly requires a lot of “recharging” in order to be able to move through difficult times as you are experiencing with her right now. Here are a couple of suggestions for the questions you posed:
1. If you don’t have it already, I would suggest having a log for her medications that you can have her reference when she is questioning whether she has taken them or not that day. That way, the answer is more objective, and not a potential argument between you and her.
2. If you don’t do this already, I would acknowledge your mother’s anxiety about her failing eyesight, which I can only imagine, would be terrifying. Sometimes we just need someone to hear us express our fears and witness them for us to feel a bit better.
3. It makes sense that you would turn to sugar for a temporary escape and to feel better for a moment. Don’t beat yourself up for doing that. Next time you might try this exercise I often recommend for emotional eating episodes.
When you find yourself going for sugar, alcohol, or other escape during an emotional moment, try pausing and asking yourself “What do I really need right now?”. You’d be surprised how many times you come up with the real answer. If you are having a stressful time, maybe what you need is to talk to someone, write in your journal or draw it out, take a bath, listen/watch something funny so you can laugh, take a walk, listen to some music that’s comforting, etc. If we can get in the habit of asking this simple, yet profound question, we can really take care of ourselves in a deeper, more honest way. Eventually, asking this question becomes habit!
Hi Zoe and thank you for your prompt response to my post. Yes, I do have a log for her meds but she doesn’t reference it, possibly due to her compromised vision (although she can read with certain helps and tools). I think on number 2, I should give her the opportunity to vent her feelings again about her failing eyesight. I’m an optimistic person, always telling her I’m praying for improvement, etc. That’s good but we also have to deal with our real feelings and the situation at hand. As far as number 3 goes, I will take your suggestions to heart and I am sure they will eventually help to put me through that “barrier”.
Thank you again, Coach Zoe! (I went for a long walk today, a picnic with a friend and got a massage.)
- Liked by
